For the past week the Internet (and the world) has been a very scary place. Every time I go for a wander on the interwebs I am met with the ghosts of elections past, present and future, flaunting themselves unabashedly before my eyeballs. All the election hullabaloo displayed Trump as an incapable, idiotic, fluffy haired, small handed orange man that you could aim all your fear, anger and jibes at, pull the trigger and fire right between his small, shady eyes. Seeing the people that he has appointed as his cabinet members, it would appear that he is not in fact one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as originally thought. He’s merely the group admin of their whatsapp group that’s throwing a party to get the whole gang together and make sure shit is gonna go down.
I’m not going to reel off the reasons these people are awful and should not be allowed lead a conga line, let alone a country. If I were to list off their resume of past deeds, they would read like a job description for senior position in the Gestapo. If you do want to read more about the reasons they should under no circumstances be given power, you can Google Mike Pence and Steve Bannon and see their white supremacist endeavours for yourself.
“How can America stop Trump’s cabinet obtaining power?” is the phrase that has filled my browser history this past week. There is some narrow hope that on December 19th, the members of the electoral college will cast a faithless vote and halt Trump’s presidency. According to many news sites this is a pipe dream and any hope of this should be quelled. Even if this happens, the republican party are not going to vote for Hillary (since apparently pussies are there to be grabbed, not be presidents) so the power could actually go to Pence who is a lot scarier than Trump.
Working in theatre I’ve always been warned if I broach a problem then I damn well better have a back pocket full of possible solutions, otherwise I am just adding to the problem. So alas, as I have burned the ears off anyone who will listen to fears of whats to come, as we nest into a time when trust in world leaders dwindles on a string and we, the people, need to do something, here are some possible solutions to stop these evil troll goblins. After all, desperate times call for desperate measures.
1. What if we like, tried to put a spell on them?
Us millennials grew up watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Charmed, The Craft and Harry Potter. I’m sure I’m not the only one who went through a crystal buying, incense burning, sitting cross legged with a candle whispering some hocus pocus phase. Now some spells are tricky and require some ingredients, like hair from the recipient’s head, and with hair that fluffy, Trump must shed like a sheepdog, so that shouldn’t be too hard. Perhaps we can all pop out, invest in some sandalwood candles, get some patchouli burning and consort to some sorcery, a presidential potion. Maybe we could put a shield around the White House and stop them coming in, or maybe we could bibbity bobbity boo Bernie Sanders into power somehow, its not like he’s completely unwizard-like. Let’s abracadabra these anathemas from power!
2.) The ‘new phone, who dis?’ approach
Established in the early noughties, this approach is equally as effective in modern day, often used to make someone aware they were not important enough for you to keep their phone number whilst upgrading your Nokia 3310. If using this phrase as a way to piss someone off, you would type those cutting words into your pink Motorola V3 Razr, press send, adrenaline surging, slapping the flip phone closed, smug with vengance. Or, you genuinely got a new phone leading you to pose the question ‘who dis?’. Regardless, being on the receiving end of this cut like a knife (albeit not a sharp knife, a butter knife perhaps, or one of those pretend knives you give to kids). When we delicate, pubescent flowers were hit with the question ‘who dis?’ not only was the other person making it clear they did not bother to save our numbers (and therefore opted to reject our friendship), it had the power to send us into a downward, existential crisis of who in fact is dis? Who actually am I? Why am I here? Are we all here for a reason or is life in fact meaningless? We then would go on about our business watching The OC and playing Snake or whatever we did before wifi was a thing.
This approach has great potential. If everyone in Washington refused to reply to anyone in the president elects camp with anything other than ‘new phone, who dis?’ perhaps they could make them insecure enough to question their faith and existence and send them back to whatever red neck bible bashing hole they came from! Hurrah!
3.) Use The Secret
We’ve all read the secret, or at least come across die hard believers in the power of positive affirmations. Everyone has an annoying friend that will advise you, no matter what problem you should face, that all it takes is some happy thoughts to zippity doo dah your way out of it (I’m that friend btw). We all have to picture the life we want. Let’s all vibrate at a high frequency, make vision boards while we do yoga and practice a global visualisation exercise and, hey presto, any day now we’ll manifest some new leaders. Namaste.
4.) The Trick or Treat approach
This one’s pretty simple, when the time comes for Satan’s homeboys to ascend their thrones in the Oval Office, the current occupants just turn off all the lights and pretend no one is home, much like one would do to Trick or Treater’s when choosing to ignore their annual costume clad sugar demands. After a while they’ll get bored and move onto the next street, maybe the same could work for these guys, they don’t even need scary costumes – their alt-right views are terrifying enough as it is.
Tis the season to be jolly after all. As the “most wonderful time of the year” protrudes and the western world is awash with consumerism, it may be no harm to throw an ole letter out to the big man in red. He hooked us up pretty good as a kid, I mean, he’s been a bit of a let down to me for the past 17 years but whatevs, totally willing to let that slide should he decide to throw us a bone this year and stop the world plummeting further into a segregated war zone. I’ll even leave extra milk and cookies!
So as we can see, Trump supporters are not a timid bunch. They are fond of a brawl or two and see swaztikas as street art. Not to condone violence, as then we are no better than them, I suggest tickling them. Should you be unfamiliar with “the tickles”, it is a unique form of restraint that temporarily debilitates a person until they are reduced to nothing more than wriggling flesh, giggling and begging the tickler to stop – but yet somehow oddly enjoying it. If you do take this approach to tickle a republican, while they throw shapes perhaps you can school them on the reasons they should respect everyone regardless of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and whatever else, and do not set them free until they agree whole-heartedly to do so. WARNING: If they are particularly hesitant this may require the tickles to go on for quite some time and some pants peeing may occur. Obama, Biden, please take note.
7.) Have a music festival
Music festivals are very effective in bringing diverse groups of people together to enjoy music and share experiences in ways they might not do so otherwise. Hippies get high with hipsters, dance nuts day drink with rockers, 1 or 2 people make it to the spoken word tent – everyone is happy. I suggest we get an awesome line up, Hillary’s camp can help since we know she has the hook-up to Jay, Bey, Chance The Rapper (they played at her pre-election concert) and just about every other celebrity in America. I’m sure others would get in formation and play too. Get the booze brimming, the republicans rolling and like, Alabama Shakes playing and voila, everyone will get along soon enough. Happy days!
8.) Luke Cage
Yes, he is fictional but I just feel like he could really help in this situation.
9.) Throw a pride parade outside The White House every day
Pride parades are the best. They’re a joyous celebration of love, diversity and acceptance. All the primary assholes Trump is appointing are openly hating on LGBTQ people and talking about taking away peoples rights, so what better way to drive them nuts than flaunt the fun in their face. Hopefully they’d be so appalled they’d peace out of office. Or, the fun would be so infectious they might decide to take part and see how fantastic the world can be when we include one another and celebrate our differences. I can picture it now, Trump vogueing down the main street surrounded by a myriad of rainbow flags, Pence death dropping as Madonna blares from a sound system. Now that’s a party!
So there we have 9 possible (totally logical and practically fool proof, in my opinion) solutions to stop the further oppression these demagogues will try to implement. In all seriousness though, the reason it is so harrowing that he is putting together an army of immoral morons is because there’s already enough of this going on around the world and on the streets of America. By allowing these fascists and bigots into power it is opening a gateway for even more oppression and discrimination, not to mention with the media watching and documenting every sniffle of the Tyrannosaurus Trump, the attention is snatched away from people in Syria, Aleppo, Calais and all over Europe and this will probably be the case for the next four years.
And they’re fucking white supremacists nazis being chauffeured to power by a man who has more than a handful (a pussy grabbing hand mind you) of sexual assault cases charged against him. Someone needs to stop this. I’ll depart with wise words of Helen Lovejoy, “Won’t somebody please think of the children?”