Some shows ask us to suspend our belief of human abilities and delve into a world where anything is possible. In sci-fi, fantasy and superhero movies, I can believe there are demons and monsters threatening to destroy the world, I can believe there are special people with extraordinary abilities that can stop them, but that they can do it in 6 inch heels without a hair out of place? I ain’t buying it.

I retired from wearing high-heels at the rip old age of 19. Once I realised I no longer needed an extra-foot in height (and a likely sprained ankle) for a bouncer to let me into a club, I hung up my heels. Some girls can rock a stiletto like they’re on America’s Next Top Model but I am less Tyra and more like a deer strapped to roller-skates. Add some hard liquor to that and it’s like a deer, on roller-skates, on an ice rink. If I ever did make the attempt to strut my stuff on mini-scaffolding I would wake up the next day with more aches, pains and bruises, similar to that I would have had I actually been fighting crime, like a super-hero. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve made any attempt to go further than a small heel boot, and since I like not having to worry about tumbling to the floor every second step, it’s going to stay that way.

Sure there are some women that can wear heels all day errday and I think that’s something worth applauding, but why do male superheroes get to don flexible lycra and sensible shoes whereas the ladies are fighting peril like they’re in a full page spread in Maxim. I guess one of their super-strengths must be super strong arches because these queens slay all day and they’re not wearing sketchers. As well as it apparently being necessary that all female superheroes heels are raised above their toes there’s something else completely unbelievable, their outfits.

 The leather catsuit:

Leather pants, in theory, are amazing. They look sexy, go with everything and make you want to walk up to a guy, stomp out a cigarette, say “tell me about it, stud” and break out in a rendition of “You’re the one that I want” á la Sandy in Grease. In reality though, they’re a pain in the arse (literally) to get on, make you hot as hell (sweat galore) and restrict your movement so much that sitting down and getting up just isn’t worth the hassle. In reality there’s much more chances of you ending up in a situation like Ross in Friends, stuck in a toilet, unable to pull your pants back up, calling your friend and crying. Yet many super-females wear head to toe leather as if it’s comfier than a unicorn onesie.

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If it’s not a full body suit some skin is allowed show, but of course only belly and cleavage. These ladies are often fighting with swords, now I’m no doctor but if they were to get stabbed isn’t the stomach and the chest area the most fatal place to get hurt? Boobs are not some self-protecting armour that protect the heart, so it’s pretty dangerous to be all “look at my titties”. Mammory glands aren’t going to save you so it doesn’t seem like the smartest place to veto protection. While Superman, Batman, Spiderman and all the mans look like they got lucky at a 75% off sale at LuluLemon Leggings. Sure the ladies might look great in skin-tight leather but we’re expected to believe they can swing their legs any higher than the height of a small child? Nah, ah honey. These gals are missing out on the joy of yoga pants and good pair of Nikes.

 

The hair:

Now I’ve never come toe – to- toe with an evil villain and had a gloriously choreographed fight scene so I’m not an expert here, but I would imagine if this shit is going down, wouldn’t you tie your hair up?

I have to tie my hair up doing just about any activity. I tie my hair up to eat, to work out, even when I have to concentrate real hard on something, I tie my hair up. I have a lot of hair and it gets in my way, I don’t want to choke on my locks or have a split end in my eye in the middle of a set of burpees. tumblr_mlo7hrwzxl1qlvwnco1_500.gifThe top-knot and I are very well acquainted. Whenever my hair is down it doesn’t take much for me to look like cousin IT from The Addams Family. I am thoroughly perplexed when these ladies are preparing for battle and are going in like they’re on they’re a L’Oreal advert. Sure, they might be worth it but isn’t it better to have peripheral vision?

For technical filming reasons, it’s probably easier to cut between the actor and their stunt-double when their hair is there to cover their face, but still, at least a half pony would be more believable.

Buffy Summers somewhat broke the mould that all female superheroes had to look like they’re on their way to a BDSM convention. She had an array of beanie hats, high ponytails and sport clothes that she slayed in. But she too had her ‘save the world’ leather pants and high heels to sprint after baddies in. Although she made it look easy, I’m still not convinced. The only time I’ve seen someone run that fast in heels is at 2.30am when a drunk girl robs a chicken roll from Centra, and they never make it that far, no matter how determined they are.

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The most recent superhero to hit the screen, Jessica Jones saves the world in jeans, a leather jacket and boots. Now that’s a bit more realistic, you could kick some serious bad-guy booty in flats.

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I would like to see more of this in our female superheroes, these gals risk their lives, they shouldn’t have to risk sprained ankles and fractures too. Don’t get me started on lower back pain, bunions and hammer tones.

As well as more realistic clothes there needs to be more diverse characters represented. There are some awesome modern comic books that have badass female superhero protagonists of different races and ethnicities which need to be shown our TV and film screens too.

Maybe I’m wrong, perhaps I just need to find better leather pants, maybe my faux-leather Topshop ones with the dodgy zip just aren’t the roundhouse kick type. I doubt it though, considering I find it hard to reach the top shelf in the cereal aisle when I’m wearing my leather jacket. Not to mention my penguin shuffle if I wear a heel higher than 2 inches. Should I ever get bit by a radioactive spider and gain superpowers, I’ll stick to wearing yoga pants and Adidas thanks.

Comfy Woman is a good superhero name right?

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Author: Shaunna Lee Lynch

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About: I am an Irish writer, performer, avid day dreamer, generally enthusiastic, hip hop enthusiast.

Instagram: @Shaunnaleelynch

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